The 115 Funniest Things to Ever Happen on Survivor

#33. That thing is definitely, by far, on the ground.
Guatemala - Episodes 9 and 11



You gotta love Judd.

Here is yet another classic Judd moment from Guatemala. Like all the others, it features ridiculous logic, clumsy dialogue, and the guarantee that you'll roll your eyes at least once (possibly twice) at something that actually came out of his mouth.

Oh, and it also features the least convincing lie in Survivor history. In fact it might actually be the least convincing lie in the history of mankind, only I didn't have the tools to go all the way back and check. Sorry.

Here's the story...

In Survivor: Guatemala, one of the twists in the game was that the producers had hidden an immunity idol somewhere in the Guatemalan jungle. The first player to find it could use it at any time to protect themself from the vote, so obviously this was sort of a big deal to the players left in the game. They spent nearly all their waking hours wandering the jungle, trying to find that damn little immunity idol. And it became the single biggest pasttime among the remaining Guatemalan players.

As luck would have it, in the ninth episode of the season, big blustery Judd Sergeant won a "clue" to the idol's location as part of winning a reward challenge. Judd got a piece of paper with a hidden message on it, and when he opened it in private, the clue said something to the effect of:

"The idol is not on the ground."

Hmmmm. Well that narrows down the search quite a bit. That means that the hidden immunity idol is somewhere up in the sky. Like in a tree. Or, perhaps, on the moon.

Now this clue should have been enough for the Juddinator. He knew (approximately) where the idol was, the other players didn't know this, and Judd now had a major advantage in the game. He now had a huge advantage in finding that coveted little immunity idol.

But that wasn't enough for our friend Judd.

No, Judd decided that having an advantage like this simply wasn't enough. He decided that he also wanted to hurt the other players' searching abilities, just to handicap their chances and stack the odds in his favor even more. Even though there was no reason he had to do this, Judd wanted to do everything he could to ensure that nobody else was going to find it.

So Judd walked over to the rest of the tribe, he put on his best sincere face, and he told the most ridiculous fake-sounding lie I think I've ever heard in my life:



JUDD: "You guys, I just opened the note... and that thing is definitely, by far, on the ground. I just... I can't tell any more than that, for my own chances... but it is totally on the ground."



Well, guess what? Surprisingly (or not), some of the other players didn't believe him. Maybe it was something in Judd's voice that gave him away. Maybe it was the fact that Judd can't lie to save his life. I dunno. Because for whatever mysterious reason Judd's lie actually ended up backfiring on him. And Judd became the first person ever to have a freebie clue actually come back to work against him!

Gary Hawkins, Landscaper

Gary "Hogeboom" Hawkins heard Judd's lie, and Gary was immediately suspicious. You see, he knew the way that Judd thought. He knew that Judd was utterly and completely full of crap, he knew that Judd was lying, and the former NFL landscaper decided to do something about it.

So he casually followed Judd out to the jungle... and he noticed that Judd was only searching for the idol up in the trees.

"Hmmm, that's interesting," Mr. Hawkins told us with a wry smirk on his face, "If the idol is on the ground, then I wonder why he's looking in the trees."

And guess who found the hidden immunity idol instead of Judd?

I love the fact that Judd's lie came back to chomp him right squarely in the butt. And I love the fact that he actually blew the advantage given to him by the producers. JUDD ACTUALLY BLEW A FREEBIE CLUE! HE BLEW THE EASIEST ADVANTAGE HE WOULD EVER HAVE IN THE GAME! And I have to say again, that's just so classic Judd. The guy is like Charlie Brown. The guy is like Al Bundy. If he gets the slightest advantage at any point in the game, he's going to do something dumb and find some way to have it work against him. Because if negative karmatic retribution isn't a Judd trait, I don't know what is. As they say on Sportscenter, that's Judd simply being Judd. And that's really all you have to say about it.

D'oh!!!!!!

So anyway... Gary finds the idol, Gary confirms that Judd is a big liar, and the whole incident comes back to (again) bite Judd in the ass in episode eleven. It happens during Tribal Council (two episodes later), when Judd loudly and proudly announces to the rest of the tribe that he's never told a single falsehood in this game.

Or, in Judd-speak, "I've never told a damn lie in this game, man."

Judd repeats this statement over and over again at Tribal Council until Gary finally decides to bust him on it. Gary's tired of Judd's pathetic lying, so he calls him out, right there in front of everybody:


GARY: "You've never lied?"

JUDD: "I've never lied."

GARY: "Well what about this? 'Hey you guys. The idol is on the ground.' It's totally, absolutely on the ground. That wasn't a lie?"

JUDD: "I don't know what you're talking about."

GARY: "You told us the idol was on the ground! And then I followed you in the jungle and you were looking in the trees!"

JUDD [sheepishly]: "Okay, okay, you caught me, man. I told one lie. I told one lie, man. (grins, sheepishly) I told you, I'm a bad damn liar, man. A bad damn liar."




This whole subplot is just classic Judd. He is given an advantage, he finds some way to blow said advantage, and then as an added bonus he finds a way to make the advantage actually work against him in the game. Just absolute classic Judd behavior all around. He's just a bad damn liar, man. What really do you expect him to do about it?

Oh yeah, and the fact that Judd was busted by NFL legend Gary Hogeboom just makes the whole thing even funnier.