The 115 Funniest Things to Ever Happen on Survivor

#66. I'm 'onna have this feather in mah ass
Africa - Episode 3




For the first two episodes of Survivor: Africa, Tom Buchanan was known for little more than being a goat farmer. Oh sure, he had gotten into a fight with Clarence over the beans in episode one, and Jessie had mysteriously said "Tell Tom I love him" in her final words in episode two... but for the most part Tom didn't really have a defined character yet. We really hadn't entered the Tom Buchanan Experience.

(Side note: And what was the deal with Jessie professing her love for Tom, by the way? Did anybody ever look into that? I mean, you have the hottest girl in the history of Survivor (up to that point), and six days later she's all googly-eyed over a 300 pound unintelligible goat farmer. Bwah? What was the middle part of that story? You yadda yadda'd over the best part!)

Tom may have gotten all up in that

So anyway we really hadn't met Tom yet, but that all changed in the third episode of Africa. Because this was where we first saw the true nature of Tom Buchanan. This is where we truly saw what the man was made of.

Not surprisingly... it involved Tom inserting an inanimate object into his pooper.

At the end of the third episode, the tribes took part in the famous "Build an S.O.S. sign" immunity challenge. This was a repeat of a challenge from the first season, and was done mainly to fix the game so a losing tribe could get back into the competition. Oh wait, did I say that out loud? I meant to say that it was a subjective non-physical challenge the producers loved to use when they wanted a particularly likeable tribe (like Boran) to win immunity.

The challenge required both tribes to build some sort of an S.O.S. signal on the ground. Jeff Probst would then fly overhead with a trained rescue guide and the tribe with the most distinct (and easily viewable) signal would win immunity. Simple as that.

Boran practicing for the S.O.S. challenge

There was no chance that the Boran tribe was ever going to lose this challenge. For one, their campsite was in a much more sparse area, so anything they built would be easily seen on the open plain. Secondly, they had Kim Johnson's painting kit (her luxury item) so they could paint vivid colors on the ground. Samburu had nothing like that to compete with.

Boran's colorful S.O.S. sign

But the most impressive part of Boran's display, the true "trump card" in their arsenal, was what Tom planned to do when the plane was circling overhead. And this is where we first saw the shrewd cunning of Mr. Tom Buchanan. This is where we separated him from the rest of the players. Because in the words of the big man himself...

"I'm 'onna have this feather in mah ass."

That's correct. Tom's master plan for the S.O.S. challenge was to insert a feather into his butt. And then flap around like a wounded bird. Just take a look at his wonderful reenactment below:

Tom's unlawful usage of the feather helped catapult him from "big, drawling goat farmer" into the hallowed ranks of "big, drawling goat farmer who puts things in his butt." And life with Big Tom would never truly be the same. Once we had seen something like this, there was really no way to unsee it. And it forever affected the way we looked at the man again.

P.S. I always wondered what Rudy would have thought of Big Tom if they had been on the same tribe. Can you imagine? Why couldn't Tom have been put on Tagi? Why, for the love of comedy gods everywhere, why didn't we get to see that happen??

Dislikes feathers in butts

P.P.S. Do you think Jessie would have still loved Tom after the feather moment?


P.P.P.S. How ironic is it that the image of Kim Johnson in a thong wasn't the most memorable ass-imagery of the third immunity challenge? What are the odds of Kim's thong actually being overshadowed by something else?